Chapter 38 – “It’s Tilea’s kenjutsu dojo!” (Finale)

I stood opposite Myuu. In my hand was a flimsy looking twig, and in Myuu’s was a sharp-looking sword.

This is bad. This is really bad!

This is like what happened to a certain entertainer-san.

What kind of ultra-hard mode is this?

It looks like everybody in the Praetorian Guard are excited, but this is basically a public execution.

How do I overcome this…

Unaffected by my worries, Myuu was standing there calmly――no, looking carefully, there’s sweat on Myuu’s forehead.

Geez. So Myuu is nervous too. Well of course. Even if we’re playing, they’re still forcing him to hold a live blade.

It looks like Myuu was forced into this by everyone else as well. A victim just like me. So Myuu isn’t like those other chuunibyou idiots.

Alright. In that case, it’s fine. Myuu looks like that one sensible friend that every idiot has, so I’m sure he’s already got some plan on what to do.

Right. So this is basically like those pro wrestling shows. Which side attacks and which side gets hit is already determined beforehand. Let’s casually approach Myuu and decide on the programme.

Having decided that, I promptly started moving. I was about to approach him, but,

“Well then, here I come. TORYAHHHH!”

“Wai-, fi-, first the programme needs――wai-, YOU’RE SERIOUSLY COMING!?”

Contrary to my expectations, Mühen suddenly came slashing at me. The powerful blade approached before my eyes. Completely absorbed in the moment, I defended with the twig.
-BAKINNN- rang the air, as a shock ran down our weapons.

HIIIEEEE!? IS IT CUT?

N-, No, it’s not…

My twig was supporting the sword without a problem. Apparently Myuu knew what I was thinking, and took the power out of his attack.

But won’t our audience be a little disillusioned if we do something as farcical as this?

I looked at the faces in the audience. But contrary to expectations, delight filled their eyes.

…Why?

My question was solved the moment I looked at Myuu.

“GUNUNUNUNUUU!”

Myuu was bright red in the face, and was desperately pushing his blade into my twig.

S-, Stuntman sword combat!?

Right. Myuu was using the staged sword combat techniques that you often saw in films and period dramas. In other words, he was pretending that we were battling it out with our swords. I knew my eyes weren’t lying to me. Myuu was striking at me in a way that preserved the atmosphere, while making sure not to hurt me.

Myuu is the same type as Hidler-san, isn’t he. It feels like this is the first time I’ve met a decent person amongst Timu’s friends.

And what’s more, this acting of his could win an Academy Award. His desperation is completely conveyed through his expression. He groaned here and there, like he was putting his all into heavy sword blows.

Geez, it’s amazing that the twig hasn’t broken.

He’s probably pantomiming to avoid snapping the twig, but you can only describe this as ‘amazing’. I mean, I hardly feel a thing. And yet I can see the twig colliding again and again with the sword. He’s probably using some exquisite sense and timing to stop his sword just beforehand. This isn’t a level of skill that just anybody can do. Maybe it wasn’t completely untrue when they said that Myuu was an expert swordsman.

“As expected of Oneesama. She has even grown tired of Mühen’s attacks!”

“Truly a laudable display of skill.”

“More importantly, look. Mühen’s sword is the one whining under the strain.”

“Indeed. It appears that when covered in Tilea-sama’s mana, even a normal twig gains the strength of orichalcum.”

Honestly, while you guys have no idea how much Myuu is struggling, you’re just firing off chuunibyou at full throttle, aren’t you.

Well, it’s fine I guess. I’ll get on board with your games. I’d feel bad if I didn’t after all of Myuu’s acting after all. Now then, shall I drop an Evil God’s line or two?

“Huhu, what’s wrong, Myuu? Come at me for real. At this rate, far from 『Baban Stresh』, our battle with end with a simple strike.”

“Hahh, hahh, what strength. UOOHHHH!”

Fired up by my provocation, Myuu let out a war cry. And then we continued to exchange even more blows.

“Nielsen, I am shocked. Even though Oneesama has received that many powerful blows, she hasn’t taken a step from that spot.”

“It appears that Tilea-sama still has plenty of room to relax.”

You guys. For a while now, you’ve been really cruel towards Myuu’s technique, you know.

And not taking a single step from here? …That’s just by chance. This is a completely faked match, so that much is simple.

But hearing their words really makes me want to say that. Honestly, you guys. You keep saying stuff that pulls at my heartstrings… It’s no good. I have to say it after all.

“Timu, pay attention. This is one of the Evil God’s Seven-Hundred and Seventy-Seven Skills, the Evil God Zone.”

“Evil God Zone!? What manner of technique is that?”

“Well you see, you lead the opponents into attacking in the places that you want.”

“Magnificent. No wonder you haven’t taken a single step from there, Oneesama.”

Timu assented, and sent a gaze of respect at me. Everyone in the Household Guard did as well. Thought so. My lines really were things that would stir up a chuunibyou’s heart.

“Hahh, hahh, Tilea-sama, you are even greater than I imagined. I too will truly show my best!”

“Good spirit. I’ll get a little serious as well. I’m going to use a sword technique now, so try not to be blown away.”

“I will by all means try my best to overcome it.”

“I’m serious, okay? You absolutely can’t be blown away. Absolutely not. Absolutely, okay!?”

“Understood.”

Alright. Now that I’ve said that much, I’m sure Myuu will read the mood and understand. He’ll probably send himself flying when I hit him with my attack now.

Well then, I guess I’ll use the technique of a swordsman from a certain manga. Since we’re in another world, should I try and give it a more otherworld feel? Rather than “Onigiri”, since we have goblins here instead of oni…

Alright, I’ve decided. I broke the twig I had into two, and then formed a cross with them.

“Nitouryuu?(Two Sword Style?)”

“It’s true form is Yontouryuu(Four Sword Style) though. Well then, I’m coming, Myuu.”

“Understood. This one is prepared.”

“It’s a sword technique that will always blow the enemy away, you know.”

“HAHHHH, Defencing Area![Defence Barrier!]”

Saying that, Myuu took a deep stance, and planted himself firmly on the ground. It was a bulky stance, like a boulder.

Mn. He really is an expert at this. A master swordsman who could normally deflect a blow with his sword was instead using a barrier. Of course you’d be excited.

Alright, I won’t lose either.

With the twigs still crossed, I charged at Myuu with a roar.

“Nitouryuu――GO BU GIRIIIIIII!”

“GAHAHHH!”

Matching his timing with my attack, Myuu was blown away. Even the way he blew himself away was so splendid that I have no words to describe it. It was such magnificent timing that it really looked like he was blown away by an attack.

Honestly, good job. Your reaction was even better than the less talented actors out there.

“S-, So strong… Tilea-sama, even though this one knew you were coming, he could not stop you at all.”

“You’re pretty good yourself. You’re standing after taking a Gobugiri after all.”

“Hehe, what a terrifying personage you are. Although this one also feels terror, the enjoyment is stronger.”

“Huhu, it looks like you still want to go. But if you’re blown away by the likes of Gobugiri, then I can’t use anything stronger, right?”

“Stronger, you say!?”

“Yes. Yontouryuu Ougi 『Yonsen Sekai』 is a technique several levels above Gobugiri, you know.”
(Four-Sword Style Secret Technique: Four Thousand Worlds)

“Oneesama, is that technique stronger than even 『Baban Stresh』?”

“Hm~mm, that was a topic of discussion even amongst my companions.”

“You mean your 『Niit』 companions, yes?”

“U-, Uguh-, t-, that’s right. I personally think that 『Baban Stresh』 is stronger, but there are also people who think that 『Yonsen Sekai』 tops it.”

“I see.”

“Mn, both of them had their diehard fans after all~ Well, either way, both are amongst the top-tiers of my techniques.”

“Haha, this one very much desires to see it, Tilea-sama.”

“I see. Then Myuu, come at me like you’re trying to kill me. Without that much resolve, you’ll die, you know.”

“By your will. Even if you are his master, this one will not hesitate. He now challenges the strongest as nothing but a mere swordsman!”

Myuu’s expression turned resolute, and be began to mutter some chant. After that, some kind of light started to faintly cover his sword.

Could it be that he’s a magic swordsman?

Not bad, Myuu. This really is quite exciting from a visual point of view.

Huhu, to think that Myuu would go this far with his acting. I can’t let his will go to waste. We’ll definitely make this pro wrestling show a success. I lowered my hips, and moved my twig in a reverse grip behind me, and took the “Baban Stresh” stance.

“Oohh! What a sublime stance… Nielsen, we must not miss even a moment.”

“Yes, Milady. Truly a mastery of the profound.”

The outsiders Timu and Pervert(Nielsen) began firing off pretentious lines.

Ah, you guys… If I leave you alone for just a bit, you get carried away and start saying whatever you want.

It’s SUUUUPER embarrassing for the person himself to hear, okay!? Timu and the others are going to be stuck with writhing in embarrassment once their chunibyou heals.

“EN GARDE! ――BIG FIRE SWORD![SUPER DEMONIC FLAME SWORD!]”

From a thrusting stance, Myuu dropped his hips. Then, he pointed the tip of the magic sword towards me before dashing with incredible speed.

…As expected of Myuu. Despite this being a rigged match, it’s still so intense that I feel like I’ll wet myself a little. Like I’ll fall behind. I immediately slashed forward with the reverse-grip twig in my hand.

“Evil God Style, Secret Technique――Baban Stresh!”

“GUHAAAHH!”

My twig collided with Myuu’s sword, causing Myuu to fly into the air, sword and all, before crashing into a large tree with incredible force.

Oi, even if I said that I’d be unleashing an ultimate technique, didn’t you fly a little far?

Or rather, you don’t have to go that far just to put on a performance…

Look, you’re even bleeding from your head, you know. You’re hurt. Well, thanks to that, the audience is in an excited uproar, but…

“UOHHH! AS EXPECTED OF TILEA-SAMA!”

“LONG LIVE HER PROFOUND STRENGTH!”

“THE EVIL GOD ARMY IS ETERNALLY INDESTRUCTIBLEEEE!”

Wild roars began breaking out from the Praetorian Guard. Mn, from an entertainment point of view, it was a huge success, huh. Even if it was just a role, Myuu played the clown for us. He really is a great guy.

While I was admiring the fallen Myuu, Timu approached me.

“Oneesama, your power was magnificent as always.”

“I see. If you had fun, Timu, then it was all worth it.”

“By the way, Oneesama, although that grand technique from just now released some tremendous mana, it did not look to me like the air had been cut.”

“Timu, that’s very sharp of you. What I used just now was an incomplete version. It only cut the ground, you see.”

“So it was as I thought. Huhu, was the reason you were unwilling to use it, for Mühen’s sake?”

“Y-, Yes. We can’t let Mühen die, right?”

“I am sure that Mühen will be happy once he knows that you think that much of him. Oneesama, I would like to see the complete version next time we have the chance.”

…Timu is being awfully tenacious about this. As if I can cut the air.

Or rather, I’m troubled that you didn’t let me off with the attack just now. Hahh~ Timu, you still don’t understand how chuunibyou are supposed to play, do you. You needed to pretend just now that the air actually did get cut.

What do I need to do to get her to accept? Or should I tell her that I can’t?

But I don’t really want to spill cold water now that she’s this into it.

…Wait, hang on. Rather, Timu can use magic, so couldn’t Timu do something like that too!?

No matter what kind of random technique I use, in the end I can only fake it. Timu has talent. If I use this method, then Timu can play as a chuunibyou while practising her magic too. It’s two birds with one stone.

Timu’s chuunibyou won’t be cured that easily. In that case, I should just try even a little to direct it into something productive for her future. Magic training, in this case.

“Timu, you can’t depend on somebody else for each and every thing.”

“Yes.”

“Here’s some homework for you. Use magic to cut the sky.”

“I-, I am, to…?”

“Right. You do it.”

“B-, But Oneesama, cutting the sky with magic has never ever been heard of before.”

“My, my. Aren’t we sounding a little timid now. I thought you had mastered magic. If I remember correctly, didn’t you say they called you “Camilla the Flash”?”

“Uu-, Oneesama, you bully.”

“Huhu, sorry, sorry. The sky might be overdoing it. But you have talent, Timu, so I want you to challenge lots of different things.”

“I understand. I wish to live up to Oneesama’s expectations. I will revise my magic system from the absolute basics.”

“Right, right, that’s the spirit!”

Looks like Timu is getting fired up. That’s right, it’s tackling a difficult homework project that makes the best practice of all. But it’s also true that there’s a limit to self-teaching. Should I get Timu a magic tutor or something?

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Basically all of the four-sword style techniques are references to One Piece’s Roronoa Zoro. Just replace any instance of ‘four’ with ‘three’, and you’ve got it.

In case you didn’t look last time, this is what Avan’s Strash looks like (the thing Baban Stresh is a parody of).

“Evil God Zone!? What manner of technique is that?”
“Well you see, you lead the opponents into attacking in the places that you want.”
http://princeoftennis.wikia.com/wiki/Tezuka_Zone

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I’m not sure if it still happens these days, but in the past, there used to be children’s events and other stuff on the rooftops of Japanese department store buildings. In general, Japanese department stores were a bit better than equivalents around the world. I’m pretty sure many of them had elevator girls too. Ah! I know! It’s like the ones in Pokémon!

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Chapter 37 – “It’s Tilea’s kenjutsu dojo!” (Opening)

Hmmm, what good weather. The clear blue sky is perfect for a picnic.

Timu and I are at the Beruga Plains today. Normally I only ever talk to those I’m more familiar with like Pervert(Nielsen) or Bel, but this time almost 500 members of Timu’s Praetorian Guard are gathered. It’s pretty amazing.

This is the first time I’m formally meeting with Timu’s Praetorian Guard. There are some I’ve seen before, and some I haven’t. Their ages range from their twenties to their fifties…

As expected of Timu. She’s popular across the board.

While I was admiring Timu, I heard a few people running towards me.

Hahh~ Again…?

“Tilea-sama, I am thrilled to meet you!”

“Tilea-sama, please observe our gallantry.”

“Tilea-sama, I shall follow you to the ends of the earth.”

“Haha… I wanted to try meeting you guys again too.”

“”Milady, we are not worthy of your words!””

This kind of exchange has been repeating for a while now.

These guys are way too excited!

Every single one of them, the moment they see me, they excitedly come over to talk to me.

And each and every one of them speaks like a chuunibyou. Honestly, they should feel embarrassed at their age. I thought Pervert(Nielsen) was just a special case, but I was wrong. Apparently birds of a feather flock together. All of them are the same damn type.

“Huhu, everybody’s morale is rising because they were able to meet you, Oneesama.”

“Looks like it. It seems they’re really interested in my techniques.”

“Oneesama, by all means, I too wish to see you cut apart the air.”

“Uu-, I-, I’ll try it, but…”

“Both I and the Household Guard are looking forward to it.”

Right. the reason everybody was gathered on Beruga Plains was because I was unveiling the Evil God Techniques. All the members of the Praetorian Guard were apparently really interested in my techniques, in particular my Evil God Style, Killing Katana Method “Baban Stresh”. The dark history that I talked about during tea time was disclosed to them by Timu…

And look what happened!

Apparently the requests to see my techniques kept piling up. They said they really wanted to see me demonstrate!

I was thinking that I didn’t want to let other people know about the dark history from my previous life. But Timu begged me and wanted to see it no matter what, so I agreed. I was moved by her enthusiasm. Honestly, I really am too soft on Timu, aren’t I.

“Oneesama, how about this area?”

“Yeah. If it’s this place, then I won’t be spotted by other people, right?”

I’ll be showing my embarrassing dark history. I don’t want to be seen by anybody who isn’t a chuunibyou. That’s why I left town, and came all the way to Beruga Plains.

“Milady. We have finished scouting the surroundings. There will be no leak of information. Please use your power as much as you wish, Tilea-sama.”

Bel gave the stamp of approval for this place. It’s true that we’re hidden by the trees around us, and there isn’t a single person out here. If I do it here, I think I’ll get by without anybody else seeing.

“Right. Let’s go with this place.”

Timu, Pervert(Nielsen), and all the other members looked at me with sparkling eyes.

They want to see my chuuni techniques that badly? You guys really do like this stuff, don’t you!

It was like a bunch of children looking forward to a Hero Show on the roof of a department building. From what I hear, apparently the Praetorian Guard have been so excited that they couldn’t sleep these last few days.

Hahh~ You guys sure are carefree. I’ve been feeling so much dread recently that it felt like I was half-dead, you know? After all, our store was about to fall into a hell of debts. If it wasn’t for Remilia-san, our family would’ve broken apart. Had things gone badly, Timu and I might have even been sold to a slave merchant…

But well, I did tell them that the debt issue was resolved, so I guess you could say it’s quite natural that they aren’t paying it any attention. Only, I didn’t tell them specifically how we resolved it.
I mean, I can’t exactly say that we charged into a den of villains, beat them blue, and then tore the contract up, can I. It’s something in the past. There’s no need for me to pointlessly say it and scare them.

And so I’ll be locking the truth up in my heart. Although Timu said she would blow up the store and all that time, I’ll bet she was scared inside. Thanks to Remilia-san handing them over to the guards, they probably won’t be returning to the free world any time soon. They aren’t a threat to our shop anymore.

Ah-! I’d better let Timu know that. What if she’s actually still scared that they’ll come back.

“Timu, I forgot to mention, but those guys won’t be coming back to the store anymore. You can relax, okay?”

“Oneesama, by ‘those guys’, who do you mean?”

“Come on, those debt collectors that came to our store the other day.”

“Ahh, if you are speaking of those fellows who were rude to you, Oneesama, they have already been given to Gargan as food. We did not leave any of them behind.”

“I-, I see… Gargan’s food, huh. W-, Well, as long as you aren’t worried, then let’s just call this an end.”

“No, there is one thing that worries me.”

“I knew it! Timu, it’s all right, okay?”

“Even if you forgive this, Oneesama, I cannot. I ended up letting off their leader with an easy death.”

“O-, Ohh~? What was it like?”

“Camilla-sama’s magic bullets blew them away without a trace.”

Pervert(Nielsen) joined the conversation to get onboard on Timu’s chuunibyou. In a way, I respect him for being able to so quickly follow up chuuni fantasies.

“Without a trace, huh~”

“Yes, Oneesama. I had intended on thinking up the cruelest possible way of killing him, but because he was too sneaky, I accidentally ended him.”

“Truly a rude fellow even to his death.”

“Umu. I am unsatisfied even after killing him.”

“R-, Right. It’s not a problem, Timu.”

Timu and Pervert(Nielsen) had begun speaking frustratedly. I see. If she can act tough like that, then there probably isn’t any trauma, right?

Thank goodness, thank goodness. It ended well… right?

Mn, right. Her chuunibyou is a different issue.

“Well then, I’ll start.”

“Oneesama, there is a certain guard who would like to clash swords with you by all means. Will that be all right?”

“M-, Mmn.”

Aahh, speaking of which, they did mention something about the Praetorian Guard having a talented swordsman, didn’t they.

Is that the guy?

If I remember correctly, Pervert(Nielsen) said that his name was Mühen, and he was an honest warrior.

“Mühen, you have permission!”

“Understood.”

A man came out from the queue of guards. He looked to be in his sixties I guess. With all the wrinkles on his face, he looked like he had been through a lot. He doesn’t seem like a chuunibyou.

“Tilea-sama, it is an honour to meet you. This one is named Mühen.”

“So you’re Myuu. Apparently you’re the best swordsman in the Praetorian Guard or something?”

“No, this one is nothing so special.”

Oh! A humble one. I thought that the Praetorian Guard was nothing but chuuni braggarts. It’s a sudden development that surprised me in a good way. I’ve got a good impression of him now.

“Well then, shall we spar a little?”

“Milady. Please allow this one to humbly try his best.”

Mn, he’s behaving like a proper, sensible adult. Maybe he isn’t a chuunibyou, and really is a sword expert?

N-, No way, right…?

After all, he’s still just Pervert(Nielsen)’s playmate. I’ll have lost just by having any expectations. It would be better just to think of him as a chuunibyou as well.

If he’s a chuunibyou patient, then naturally he’s a fake swordsman. Since we’re both amateurs, I suppose it’ll be fine as long as we collide some branches together for a bit. And once in a while shout out technique names for flavour too, right?

“Well then, Tilea-sama, please use this weapon.”

“S-, Sorry?”

Pervert(Nielsen) handed me a splendid and bewitching blade.

Haha, so it really is easy to get a hold on these without a swords and firearms law.

Honestly, I didn’t think that this world would have shinai, but YOU OBVIOUSLY WOULDN’T USE REAL SWORDS, RIGHTTT!?

I can’t, I can’t, I can’t! This isn’t a joke, you know. I’ll die, you know! Seriously! This is why I hate out-of-control chuunibyou!

“Hey! Niel, If (we) use something like this, (we’ll) die!”

“M-, My deepest apologies for my lack of thought.”

Pervert(Nielsen) apologised in shame. Even if he’s a chuunibyou, it’ll be a problem if he fucks around too much. But thankfully it seems that he understood. It looks like Pervert(Nielsen) matured a little as well.

“Well then, please use this.”

“S-, Sorry?”

Pervert(Nielsen) casually handed me a wooden sword. You can tell it’s hard just by looking at it.

Is this oak wood?

I’m pretty sure it would break your head like a pomegranate.

“Due to my error in handing over a live blade, Tilea-sama almost killed a precious subordinate.”

“S-, Seriously, are you still joking around?”

“N-, No, by no means am I…”

“No, you still are!”

Oi, if you get in a clean strike with a wooden sword, you can even kill people, you know!

Or rather, isn’t Myuu still using a real oneeee!?

Why am I the only one getting downgrades!?

You’re definitely making fun of me. Could this be your revenge for when I scold you normally?

“Huhu, Oneesama is saying that even with a wooden sword, she would end up killing Mühen.”

“I see. Tilea-sama was simply that powerful.”

Whoa, whoa, what are you saying, Timu? Are you trying to kill Oneechan? Myuu is holding a real sword, you know.

“Hmm, would something of this level be acceptable?”

Timu handed me some random twig.

This… looks like it would snap in an instant.

EH!? What are you telling me to do with this?

I looked at Timu in protest, but she returned a look of unceasing trust and respect.

E-, Expectations. Timu was looking at me expectantly. Oneechan can’t betray her look of respect.

“Hmph. Even with this, I’ll still need to hold back.”

“As expect of Oneesama. Mühen is the greatest swordsman in the Household Guard. His sword skills would not lose to even Demon General Zanza. My heart dances with excitement!”

“KUAHAHAHAHA. As expected of this one’s master. Now that you have taken such a handicap, he by all means wishes to get a strike in.”

Aaahhh, I really haven’t grown at all! Why the hell did I get on board with this? And I can’t betray Timu’s expectations. In that case, I’ll place my hopes on Myuu’s good sense. Even if he’s a chuunibyou, you normally wouldn’t slice for real at a person with a twig, right? No, seriously, my life depends on this, so please cut me some slack.

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